So last episode ended with Tara doing the classic fry your
skin off vampire suicide technique and Pam rolling her eyes from across town.
At the end we’re left wondering, will Pam save her or leave her to die a
horrible, mushy death? Well, she saves her, rolling her eyes at her idiocy, as
I was too. Tara, all crispified begs her to let her die. Pam commands her not
to commit vampire suicide anymore. Then there’s some lovely footage of flesh
sliding off bone when Pam grabs her arm to help her out of the fryer. Just
before dinner too. Yum.
Lafayette is mad at Sookie cause she told Alcide about them
killing Debbie. He tells her off, calling her the Angel of Death. He needs
Jesus back. He’s all kinds of uptight this season. Chillax, homeslice. All she
did was shoot a person in the head then have your cousin turned into her worst
nightmare then tell a werewolf that Lafayette aided and abetted a federal
crime. This is Bon Temp. That’s a slap on the wrist offense by the often high
and awkward Sheriff. Ain’t no reason to let the monster out. But he does. That
rascally Mexican brujo takes over Lafayette again and he lifts Sookie’s car
while chanting in Spanish. What big mental
muscles you have, granny monster.
Last week we saw the Guardian sleep with the lady who has a
thing for Nora. Finally figured out her name. Salome. So they’re laying in bed
with his laptop, listening to the sounds of Nora screaming in agony. What a
kind heart you have, dear Guardian. Nothing like a little torture to get a
vampire in the mood.
Sookie has pity party cause, you know all her friends hate
her – her best friend especially, who wants to drain every last drop of blood
from her lifeless body. Pu-lease! As if that’s a reason to be sad. My best
friend bit me once then said I tasted like saltines and spit in the grass. Of course,
I was five but it still cut me deep. And do you think I cried and felt bad for myself?
No. I punched her in the face! Anyway, the only way to make her breakdown even stupider
is to involve Jason. And that’s exactly what she does. She confesses to killing Debbie and tells him
to lock her up. “Oh, by the way, Tara’s a vampire and hates my stinkin’ guts.”
And Jason, being the superb officer he is, basically puts his fingers in his
ears and says “la la la.” Great fucking work there, officer.
Eric is back! To Fangtasia anyway. And looking all commanding
and badass sitting in his throne – very reminiscent of the first season only
without the long hair, thank God. Pam walks in with Tara, shocked but pleased
to see him. The shock turns to discomfort when Eric asks about Tara. Then she
explains, awkwardly, that she made a progeny while he’s been away – a pissed
off, barely sane one at that. Oh yes, you’ve been busy, Pam.
Tara and Bill leave the room and have a heart-to-heart. Tara
spills her feelings about Sookie, “how many people died to save her sorry ass?”
That’s it, Tara. Don’t hold back now. Bill gets his, typical love-sick look of
regret on his face. And I can’t help but feel slightly sorry for Sookie, who
seems to be the scapegoat for everything wrong in Bon Temp. By the end of the
season, she’ll have been responsible for the recession too.
While Bill and Tara reminisce about their past love of the
fairy princess, Eric is questioning Pam about Russell Edgington. Apparently she’s
one of only four who knew where he was buried. Eric is being a bit of a dick.
Pam is and has always been so loyal to him it makes me a bit uncomfortable. He’s
her one vulnerability. The one attachment that keeps her sort of, kind of
human. And now she challenges him to release her from their maker/progeny bond.
Then we cut to the Authority counsel talking smack about the
Guardian behind his back after acting all reverent to his face. Typical
politicians. That's all i have say about that.
In episode one, I think it was, Andy let the judge’s son out
of a speeding ticket. Now he’s being schmoozed by him. Anyone else smell trouble
from this asshole? Yeah, me too. So Jason, Andy, and the judge get into a limo
with three slutty women who place hoods over their heads. The judge laughs and
reassures Andy and Jason that everything is fine – they’re going to a secret
club and no one can know the location. Uh-huh. And is this “secret club” in
some gritty back-alley and are the “VIP guests” slaughtered and drained of
blood? My warning bells are going off. But apparently everyone in Bon Temp is
stupid because all it takes is a pretty woman to distract from the obvious
pitfall of danger. But then again, this is Jason and Andy we’re talking about
here.
Remember the Shifter’s Anonymous group Sam was in last
season, where he met Luna? Well two members show up at his bar and convince him
to go out running with them again. Later that night, he approaches their hang
out. It’s dark. The two are sitting in lawn chairs facing away from him, their silhouettes
lit up by a glowing fire. Eerie music plays in the background. No one is
moving. Can you guess what happens? The music was a dead giveaway. Both
shifters are dead. And that about ends that plot line for this week.
Then Alcide tells Debbie’s parents that Marcus, the now-dead
pack alpha, killed Debbie. *Rolls eyes* There goes everyone protecting the
fairy princess again.
Terry and Patrick, the sergeant from when they served together
in Iraq, are driving through South Dakota, hunting down a veteran Patrick
suspects to be a bit cracked. Terry has a war flashback, proving he’s the one
who’s cracked, not that anyone cares. He’s still allowed around small children –
speaking of which, where’s the possessed baby!? In the flashback, the soldiers
get high and drunk and party Arab style in the desert until an innocent
bystander tries to talk with one of the trigger-happy guys. Next thing you
know, they’ve all gone postal on a village of innocent people. Terry stares down
at a pile of bodies and a river of blood. No wonder he’s messed up in the head.
Anyway, they find an underground bunker they think belongs
to their friend and inside are lots of paintings. Dark ones. Yeah, maybe you
could stretch it and say they have a one-step-away-from-insanity theme going
on. But really, isn’t there a saying about judging men by their paintings? No?
Well, there should be.
Lafayette’s little magic trick with the car ended up cutting
Sookie’s breaks and she jumps out just before it slams into a tree. Then she
continues her downward spiral at home alone, mixing strong alcohol that I’m not
sure isn’t lethal. But can you really blame her? People keep dying in her
kitchen. Some she kills. Some jump in front of bullets for her then turn into
vampires while she inspires their seething hatred forever. It’s a rough life
for Sookie Stackhouse. Drink on, Sookie. Maybe you’ll do everyone a favor and
die of alcohol poisoning.
Pam and Tara wake up after being tucked in nice and cozy in matching
coffins in the creepy basement they tortured Lafayette in seasons ago – back when
Eric was the bad guy. Ah, those were the days. So Eric explains to a teary-eyed
Pam that he does care about her, enough to set her free. He knows he’s a
walking dead man. Er, even deader now that the Guardian has him in his sights.
As long as Pam stays alive, he keeps his vampire line strong. What? Even vampires
can be touchy-feely sometimes. So we get a glimpse into Pam and Eric’s special bond
– more like a fatherly relationship than romantic. Then we get the obligatory
speech about taking care of her progeny. Blah blah blah. Cause they can’t kill
off Tara after just having made her undead. This isn’t Game of Thrones, you
know.
Jessica and Bill have a tender moment too. Apparently this
is the season of the makers. Everyone’s all sweet and reminiscent. Maybe because
they know they have a limited amount of time left before the Authority realizes
they’re full of bullshit about hunting down Russell and will fuck it up sooner
or later. Jessica tries to convince Bill to see Sookie because “she’s had a
rough couple days.” Ha! That is the understatement of the season.
So Nora’s been tortured for a long time now, since episode
two. She’s ready to die. I would be too. There’s only so much silver in my
blood I can take before life just gets to be a bitch. The Guardian questions
her in a very intimidating and dramatic way and she laughs, a bit hysterically,
and tells him to “fuck off.” It was quite amusing and clenched my decision to
be on Team Nora for a while. When he finally threatens to kill Eric with an
iphone app – you can get one too for only 99 cents! – she caves and gives them
a name.
The three slutty, giggly women who have Andy, Jason, and the
Judge take them, still hooded, into a meadow where they open the door to an
invisible club. Inside are exotic dancers of every type, music, drinking,
partying, half-dressed men and women – every man’s dream. Oh come on guys!
Middle-aged men do not get invited to
sexy clubs by gorgeous women! *shakes
head* They’d believe anything if it fed a fantasy like that. So Andy runs into
the fairy he dry-humped in the grass at the end of last season and Jason finds
Hadley, his cousin and former feeder of the Queen of Mississippi. Back to that in a few.
Sookie is drunk off her ass, smiling, laughing, and singing.
Hilarious! I like her so much better drunk. Can she just stay that way for the
rest of the season? Lafayette calls after finding her car wrapped around a tree
and realizing it was the Mexican monster inside him. But he doesn’t get the
chance to apologize for almost killing her cause Alcide shows up to explain his
cover story to Debbie’s parents – someone else saving her sorry ass from more
trouble. Since Sookie is so cute when she’s drunk – and clever switching up
song lyrics to fit her situation – Alcide forgives her then kisses her. If that’s
what it takes to win your heart Alcide – a perky smile and half-decent singing –
maybe we don’t have a future together. *Walks off and stalks Eric instead*
So Pam takes the maker thing to heart. She forces Tara into
eating a sexy lady, both of them fighting the whole way. I like how this
dynamic is turning out. Since Tara went lesbian anyway, maybe her and Pam – no.
*laughing* No. Too much of a stretch.
The Guardian and counsel meet with the name of the traitor
Nora gave. It’s someone in the counsel, he tells us. Then he proceeds to drag out
the unveiling of the betrayer longer than Ryan Seacrest does in naming the
American Idol winner. Suddenly, the Guardian grabs the kid vampire – who was
turning into a little asshole anyway – and stakes him. Then, with blood
splattered all over his face, he gives a speech about dealing with traitors.
Bravo, Guardian, bravo. I bow down to your superior use of dramatics. And
producers, to your gratuitous use of splattering gore.
Back to Club No-Good-Can-Come-of-This in Fairyland. Hadley
slips about Jason’s parents being drained by vampires, not drowning in a flood.
He flips out and tries to question her but fairy bouncers kick him and Andy
out. We end the episode with them laying on the grass and two fairies shooting
beams of light toward them.
So, what’s up for next week? According to the previews,
looks like a rockin’ episode. Can’t wait!
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